


got his walls (and his ways)

by blazeofglory



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, I'm so sorry Luke, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, more of a character study than anything solid, rape mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-17 23:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5890081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blazeofglory/pseuds/blazeofglory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Listen, Luke is doing pretty well, all things considered. He hasn't tried to kill himself in over a year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	got his walls (and his ways)

**Author's Note:**

> tfw you relapse :')
> 
> The title is from "Hometown" by Andy Burrows, which I have definitely used for at least one other fic title before. It's literally my go-to sad times song.

Listen, Luke is a well-adjusted guy. He does well in school, he has friends and a boyfriend, and he hasn’t tried to kill himself in over a year. He eats more than he used to; he cuts less. All things considered, he’s doing pretty well.

That’s what he tells himself as he stands in the bathroom, his hands shaking so violently he can’t even turn the faucet on. He’s been doing so _well_ , and that just makes him hate himself even more—all his progress, down the drain. He hadn’t even been having a really bad week; just a stressful one. Lots of work, lots of exams, and his insecurities have been telling him that Han’s mad at him even though he knows he isn’t. Then, next thing he knew, two days had passed and he hadn’t eaten. 

That realization had led to this—standing in the bathroom, now gripping the counter with white knuckles and trying not to hyperventilate. He is still bleeding from shallow wounds.

Luke feels sick to his stomach with shame and regret, but there’s nothing for him to throw up. His phone vibrating in his pocket is what finally drags him back into awareness, and he fishes it out of his pocket with fingers that still shake. It’s a text from Han; he almost doesn’t want to open it. 

[8:02] on my way with a pizza :) hope you havent eaten yet

He lets out a shaky breath and stares down at his arms. The blood is drying. He can clean up before Han gets there. As for dinner—fuck. 

Half of him wants nothing more than to eat a whole pizza all by himself to make up for the last day and a half without food; he wants back on the wagon. The other half is thinking much stupider things.

If he told Han that he’s already eaten, Han would believe him.

Even as Luke cleans himself up, putting bandages over the worst cuts and flushing the bloody tissues down the toilet, he looks at himself in the mirror. He’s gained a lot of weight over the years; granted, he’s also grown a few inches. It’s been years since he thought too much about his weight. But now… Now his eyes linger on his round face and the curve of his stomach. 

He could stand to lose a few pounds.

These are dangerous thoughts and he knows it. He forces himself to turn away from the mirror.

He leaves the bathroom.

His hands haven’t stopped shaking.

By the time Han arrives, Luke is in his comfiest sweater, an ugly green monstrosity that falls past his hands. If Leia was there, she would know what that meant—but she isn’t, and Han hadn’t been around the last time Luke was like this. Luke has no idea how much Han knows, honestly. He tells him sometimes when he’s feeling anxious or having a bad day, but he’s never used the words “anxiety” and “depression.” He knows he mentioned once a few bad experiences with sex, but he never said “rape.” He certainly never said “anorexia.”

He tells himself it’ll be fine; he’s doing better now. Han doesn’t need to know. He would only worry.

Luke opens the door with a practiced smile.

**Author's Note:**

> First Enjolras, and now Luke. I kinda feel bad for projecting all my shit on my favs. :/ Might write more for this, but idk. Felt kinda therapeutic to get this out though.


End file.
